The MirrorBlue Night
by Blinded Moon
Summary: Blaise Zabini feels like he's hit bottom. Can Draco Malfoy help or is he part of the problem? Warnings: selfmutilation, slash, angst, broom closet snogging. You have been warned. Songfic to The MirrorBlue Night from Spring Awakening.


**The Mirror-Blue Night**

_The whispers of fear, the chill up the spine  
Will steal away too, with a flick of the light  
The minute you do, with fingers so blind  
You remove every but of the blue from your mind_

Under my bed, below a dirty shirt, inside of a music box engraved with my name locked by magic and metal, sitting on a light tissue, sat a rare and expensive artifact. It was a clear blade, smooth as a summer's breeze. My reflection, the Blaise Zabini inside of the knife, was completely visible, like the knife was some sort of silver mirror to my steely soul. My eyes were hollow and empty, my pale face clear of any sort of emotion, my unnaturally red lips thin and wet, flatter than the feelings I had inside. This was a special knife, one that I paid a hefty bundle for deep in Knockturn Alley. It was riddled with dirt when I bought it from a dark peddler, but I spent many hours polishing it mindlessly on sunny days when everybody else was outside by the lake. Though I gave it so much care, I still hoped that its shine would never be needed. After all, this wasn't a knife built to carve a hand or stab a human. It was constructed to make thin, impeccable cuts on a wrist to reveal a few tiny and perfectly round droplets of blood on one's wrist. It was built for someone who needed pain, someone who needed distraction, someone who needed freedom from the petty troubles that latch onto one's heart. It was built for someone like me.

I felt like I wasn't even real, as if I was the empty soul on the other side of the mirror, as if what I saw in the knife was just going to walk away and leave me alone. The only thing that seemed real was the hollow pain, a common side-effect of being used, denied, ignored, and left behind to rot like carrion. The pain's vines formed webs around my heart, weaving knots until I felt like I couldn't breathe until I offered a bit of blood as tribute. At least I knew that it would be a clean cut, one free of any pain that shouldn't be caused by plain metal. I wanted those soft red lines on my wrist to prove that I am strong enough for this world, that I can take mental pain and I can take emotional pain and I can go on like nothing even happened.

I'm ready. But then, he walked in and his face fell on my wrist, millimeters away from being cut by the steely blade which matched the color of his distant and focused eyes. I hadn't foreseen this, and my mind took a troubled lurch to a few moments a week ago which had prompted the binding chains of events that led me to dig out that perfect silver blade.

_But there's nowhere to hide from these bones, from my mind  
It's broken inside – I'm a man and a child  
I'm at home with a ghost, who got left in the cold  
Who knocks at my peace, with no keys to my soul_

"_What is wrong with you, Draco?" I poked my friend with my wand, emitting a few orange and green sparks. Draco's eyes were swollen and empty, sinking into black shadows of skin. He was breaking out a bit, his perfect skin disturbed by the blemishes and marks. I'm usually talented at hiding my unreasonable affection for my best friend, but today, my pity had taken control of me and I had felt like I was on the brink of revelation for the entire day._

_Draco turned slowly after a few seconds' pause. He blinked lightly and shrugged. "It's nothing," he murmured. He seemed too defeated to turn his head back to Professor Slughorn so he kept his head turned towards my worrying face, his eyes staring blankly at the stone wall past my left shoulder._

_I bit my bottom lip and did a double-take, checking for eavesdroppers. For awhile, I had believed that it was all talk and it wasn't real, but now, I'm not sure. I leaned in towards Draco, close enough so that he could hear only me but far enough away so that I wouldn't be overtaken by the dark desire of a kiss to push my fallen angel into a bright hell. My voice was less than a whisper. "Is it..?"_

_This was the spark that drew Draco to look away. I knew that this was a yes, so I raised my eyebrows, longing for his attention, longing for him to confide in me. I wanted him to break and spill, so I could hold him and put him back together. He looked pained, as if cursing himself for letting his emotions get the best of him. He was silent for the rest of class, his glassy eyes glued to his Potions textbook._

_After class, he seemed to fly out, as if Apparating. I flicked my wand to pack up my books quickly and raced after him. "Draco, stop!" I wanted him to stop running. I wanted him to stop feeling the pain. I wanted him to sleep soundly at night, rather than tossing and turning, disturbing everyone in the dormitory. I wanted him to love again, and I wanted him to love me. I didn't even know if he was gay or if I was, but I felt that love shouldn't have anything to do with gender. I wanted to give him free and unrestrained love. If only I were a faster runner…_

_He turned a corner and when I looked down the hall, he had disappeared. I cursed, but after taking a few steps, I was grabbed and pulled into a broom closet. It was pitch-black, but the powerful scent of ice and cologne told me that it had to be Draco. He was holding me by the collar of my robes and I could feel his sweet breath on my face, coming in fresh chilly waves._

"_You want to know?" hissed Draco. "You want to know if this has to do with the Dark Lord? Well, it does. Okay? Happy? But guess what. I don't have any choice in this anymore. I have to complete my mission and I have to do it right. And there's no fucking thing you can do, Zabini, to fix this."_

"_Draco." It was the only word that would pass by my heart, beating so immensely to destroy all other possible words. _

_"What?!?" His whisper became harsh and strong as he tightened his grip on my collar and pulled me close. If I could see, the only thing that I'd be able to see would be those empty and lost silver eyes. I still couldn't amass any words. _

_So I took a chance. I did something a little rash and pushed my head forward, my lips colliding with his. I felt my heart stop completely for a moment that I hoped would last forever. I almost willed my heart to stay stopped, so I could just die in the arms, my last memory being this sweet kiss. But, when my heart stamped another beat and the blood reached my brain, I realized what I had done and I pulled back. My face was wet, and I realized that they were his tears._

_"No," he whispered immediately. His breath was staggering through the tears that were probably rolling down his cheeks. "Please."_

_And I put my lips to his again and there they stayed, tongues dancing to the rhythm of his staggered breathing and the drum of my pounding heart._

_But there's nowhere to hide from the ghost in my mind  
It's cold in these bones – of a man and a child  
And there's no one who knows, and there's nowhere to go  
There's no one to see who can see to my soul_

And here he stood, standing before me. Unlike a week ago, his eyes were completely visible and void of tears and vulnerability. His chillingly distant silver eyes were perhaps his most attractive feature, but part of me had an odd yearning to see them vulnerable and full of tears.

"What are you doing?" he asked. It was less of a question and more of a command.

"Go away," I muttered, trying to hide the knife.

"No. What are you doing? What is that?"

"Please go away." Now I was pleading. Now I was the one with the weakness and the vulnerability. And now he was Draco Malfoy again.

He stalked over and reached down to push me aside. The shock of his touch made me jump, revealing the shiny blade. Draco's face changed suddenly to one of shock and care. "Blaise, this isn't…"

"No, it isn't, just go." I was in a crumpled heap on the floor, wanted to get up and grab the blade out of his gaze. But it was too late.

"Yes it is," he replied, shaking his head. "Were you going to…" His voice trailed off and realization dawned on his face.

"It has nothing to do with you!" I didn't realize that it was a blatant lie until after I said it. "So just mind your own business and leave me alone!"

"Blaise." Draco's face was painted with a countenance of concern as he stared down at me. "I can't let you do this to yourself. I can't let you hurt yourself"

I don't know what happened. I really don't. Some kind of time bomb ticked in my mind and I exploded. My body was possessed by an angry force that I never could've dreamed existed. I threw myself to my feet and slugged Draco right in the face with all my might. Normally I'm a very weak and calm person, but the severity of my anger amassed a strength that threw him back against the wall. It's as if when my heart broke, some demon slipped out between the pieces and fought my battles for me.

"You hypocritical bastard! Can't let me hurt myself, can I? Funny, because this is all your fault! You've hurt me like I couldn't even have dreamed possible! All I wanted to do was help you, to make you real again. But for this entire week since I saved you, you've done nothing but avoid my eyes and ignore my words!" Tears were streaming out of my eyes now in anger. When I finally let it out, everything he had done to me seemed exponentially more evil. It was as if he had done everything completely maliciously.

"I didn't want--"

"What? You didn't want me to be happy? You didn't want yourself to be happy? Today, I grabbed your hand and wanted to know if you were alright. That's it. Nothing else. But what did you do?"

"You don't understand. People could've found out."

"What did you do?!? Throw me into the stones, call me a fag, and tell me to fucking leave you alone. So how can you do that and then tell me not to hurt myself! All I've done this whole time is obey your every command! Well guess what?!? I fixed you and you broke me. I don't owe you anything anymore! So just go away and leave me be!" I turned around and grabbed the knife off my bed. I put it to my wrist, about to make the cut. I put it there and waited and waited for him to leave. I didn't want him to see me spill blood because of him. I didn't want him to see me shatter like the pieces of a hand mirror that carelessly fell out of someone's hand. But he didn't. He slowly stood up and stepped over towards me.

"What can I do to make you stop?"

I let the hand holding the blade drop to my side. I looked down at my wrist, feeling my pulse beat from the adrenaline. My voice was a strained whisper. "Tell me you fucking love me. Tell me that from now on, you'll fucking be here for me whenever I feel this way. Damn it, Draco, I was here for you! Tell me these feelings are real! Tell me what happened a week ago was real! Tell me it still is! That's the only thing that will make me stop." My hand holding the blade was quivering, as if deciding whether I would cut my wrist or stab him with it should he say no. His eyes turned from icy silver to a soft winter wind to a murky liquid. I looked down at my wrist and started to raise the blade. A bit of pain and a bit of blood would be welcoming relief to being denied. I closed my eyes.

"Stop! Look at me, Blaise!" All of this and he could still control me. He was crying too. "This isn't easy for me either! I don't even know if I like guys and I suddenly end up snogging with you in a broom closet? I…I really need to think about this because there might be something there. I really don't know." He was so sincere that it hurt. He was so vulnerable that it took all I had to stay off of him. "Just…for now…do me a favor. Don't do this. Not over me. I'm not worth it."

We were frozen there, staring at each other's tear-heavy eyes. Neither of us seemed to want to break eye contact, afraid of other other's reaction of one should. Finally, after a few minutes, he slowly turned around and made his way down the spiral staircase that led to the common room, leaving me to stare at the empty space in the room and feel the empty space in my heart where he once stood. After another few moments, I let the knife fall to the floor. It landed with the tip down and stood straight up, cutting into the wood, like a sword in a stone. I hit the ground next, falling to my knees, staring at the window alone with the mirror-blue night.

_The naked blue angel, who peers through the blinds  
Disappears in the gloom of the mirror-blue night_


End file.
